stuffed, in white

stuffed, in white

hey u

one of the dum-dums behind he said/he said started a new blog.

it’s called White Socks.

it’s about white socks.

follow it.

www.wh1tesocks.tumblr.com

My Daddy Stinks Like Fish? .

Posted by Bub(bles)

YEAH he does. We done went up and saw that old stick in my butt and he was having a fish fry.

And he stunk that place up. Farts + Fish = Dad.

How was the fish? I’ve had better.

Turtleneck likes the stink, but I’m not a big fan. Call me crazy, but I don’t like it when my dad stinks like fish.

Butt I mite be a hyrogliphic, because sometimes I like fish stink. BUT ONLY ON FISH THAT I’M BOUT 2 GUT AND COOK.

His hands were all greasy, so when he stroked the side of my face, my face got all greasy and now I have one bad boy of a cyst I have 2 drain.

CHECK PLEASE!

Shut the F(uck) Up

Brog #13: Where did we go?

Posted by Bub

World, meet my middle fuck finger. It’s pointed at you. 

Wear have I been? Shovelin’ shit, what’s it 2 ya? 

I got shit 2 do. How many times 2 I have 2 say that? A Billion? Well fuck off, world, times a billion times. I got a record coming out based on this Brog. It’s called Brogosphere. And it’s a mix between rape gaze and power pop… called power rape. 

So I’m busy 4 the next day until it is finished. So you asswhipes can wait 1 more day for my full undivided attension. 

_ _ | _ _ (that’s a digital middle finger biznitchessssssss)

BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Brog #13: Where did we go?

Posted by Turtleneck

A letter came yesterday. It smelled sort of like a perfume raccoon and only said, “HUH??” And then for a second I was like, “WHAAAA?” And I made one of those faces serial killers make when they get DUI’s. (WHICH I ONLY KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE A FRIEND OF MINE, NOT MY DAD, WENT TO JAIL FOR A DUI AND WAS LATER FOUND TO BE THE TALLAHASSEE TEMPLE TICKLER)

Then I looked and the letter’s return address simply said, “The World.” I mean, wow, THE WORLD. That must be 50 or 60 millBILLION people.

Well world (Hi Uncle Rooster!), I want to take this moment to apologize for my idiotick (as he would spell it) brother, Bub. He used our Internet cord as a fishing wire, electrocuted himself, died for a couple of minutes (in which I finished the rest of the previous night’s pizza - HE WAS DEAD!) and then somehow came back to life in time for the Mega Millions drawing.

And no, he didn’t catch any fish. He did, however, somehow get dumber. Something about lack of oxygen and Bud Ice. I don’t know - I’m not a doctor. But I am a man. A man who needs 3 things: junk in the trunk, junk in the front and my BROG.

And I will never lose any of those things again.

Wurd Murder

Brog #12 Counterpoint: Who’s got the better freestyle style?

Posted by Turtleneck

As a beefcake with a plan and a gun in his hand

I think it’s safe to say that I am the man

And Bub is only a scrub who never rub a dub dubs

Because a hollowed out moose carcass is what he calls a bathtub

And our mom can throw her boob over her shoulder

And it gets Bub hard like a boulder

Which means he loves mom like he loves his booze

Which he also keeps in the kidney of that dead moose

Basically he’s the worst of the worst of the worst of the rappers

And oh yeah, I met your girlfriend what’s her name and TAPPED HER

Freestyle Friday! (On Monday)

Brog #12 Point: Who’s got better freestyle style?

Posted by Bub

Turtle, you dirty little ballon knot, you fart-stinkin no ass rappin hoebot/ I hate you a lot!/

I’m the best at internet-type-freestylin-diss-rap, you’re not fit to swallow my piss or my crap/ What’s that? IT’S MY CLAP!/

Also, fuck u bitch-ass snitches talkin ‘bout my bunghole, and how I nicknamed that shit the funhole/ Unlike my butt, let it go!/

So whatever hoes?, I can rear-end swallow a water hose/ Then blow a water bubble out of my face nose/

That don’t excuse you from my belt buckle, You tougher than me, don’t make me chuckle/ Who’s man enuff to sniff my dirty knuckle?/

As 4 you Turtle, go sit at the table, cause I’m about to slay you like Kane did Able/ As I bang your mom in her Mercury Sable. 

ONE SUN, WON SON. 

The Red Sweater

Brog #11 Counterpoint: Who’s Hairier?

Posted by Bub

So I’m gonna start off with some questshions: After we shower 2gether, who’s red hair clogs that fuckin drain so bad that we have 2 use our bro-tweezers to pick out the hair ball?

Who’s red pubes are all over everywhere all the time because they keep fallin out the bottom of my fuckin overalls?

And last week, when we had Truck and Delorian over, who’s back was used 2 shave a fake ID on it so Delorian could get into Club Dance Place? 

MYNE. I got so much hair that there all sorts of crumbs and shit in from sandwiches I didn’t even eat. I got so many pubes that my weenus is all hidden and shit and I have to trim my bush down just so I can keep a peek at it when I wanna look at in the mirror! And that’s only like everyday. 

My nickname at college was Carpet… Or don’t you remember going to pick up chixxx at barber college, Turtleneck? 

Yes, you are hairy, but ONLY ON YOUR NECK YOU HAVE NOT THAT MUCH HAIR ANYWHERE ELSE AT LEAST COMpared to myne (sorry i party and left the caps lock on). 

I’ll conclusion with this: I have more hair all over my body than you, you stupid idiot Turtleneck, Papa Uncly Gil told me so! We used 2 take our shirts off all the time and rub each others belly carpets and pick shit from them! Did he do that with you? NO! Because he said it was our secret! NOT YURS PERIODS

That’s A Bald Faced Lie!!

Brog #11: Who’s Hairier?

Posted by Turtleneck

Like most sentimental doofuses, I’m proud of my family tree. It’s an old oak with a clubhouse up top (the “Tree” House, haha!!) and a couple of buried grandparents down below. One of those dead old people is my great-grandfather Uncle Gil. Although, most people knew him by his Episcopalian name, Hairy the McGee.

ANYWAYS he was so bushy that his back looked like the floor of a Romanian barbershop and his legs looked like a hoagie roll left in the back of the icebox for a couple years. And he always had mints. Long live Gramps Uncle Gil.

And also, he was a ladies man. He used to say, “Listen shitbird, I’m going to bang on this woman in your bunk so don’t come in here unless I holler for a beer.” Those words always stuck with me; elderly wisdom if you will. AND YOU WILL. I remember when the women would come out, they’d be covered in hair looking happier than ever.

So I used to sit in my room and stare at a picture of a bear and hope that i’d get furry. Because Grampa Uncle Gil was the best. He could drink a keg of Bud Ice by himself. On a Sunday!

And now Bub is going around telling people that he’s the hairiest person since Papa Uncle Gil to walk around. Well, I got news for you crapface, I’ve had more than one stripper pick beard hair out of her g-string. And some of them weren’t even giving me lap dances! They were just a couple tables away and there happened to be a fan nearby!

So BUB, when you say you’re “the hairiest M-efffffffer ever”, remember that I’m the guy who can’t wear anything with zippers. And also, my weiner!

Smells Like Quitter in Here. And Also Turkey.

Brog #10 Counterpoint: Should we continue this brog?

Posted by Turtleneck

Listen, we all have stuff going on. I’ve been banging Bub’s girl Dusty on the side. And I also have a landscaping business. But that doesn’t mean it’s time to grab a paddle, head up the creek and bury ourselves in the bosom of a whore. Now, there’s definitely a time for that sort of thing, but only if it’s understood that it’s a weekend trip or a long lunch.

You should never visit a whore with the intention of never leaving. As our ma taught us, she’ll always run out of patience before you run out of money.

So fine, life moves fast, like rabbits on some potent white dragon powder, but can we simply throw in the overalls? Would TV and Movies’ Jeff Foxworthy do that? No, he didn’t. He got that hosting gig on that gameshow. He made something of himself.

I think it’s time we all take a play out of Jeff Foxworthy’s business manager’s datebook and just host a fucking game show.

"I’m as serious as cancer

when I say rhythm is a dancer.”

-Snap!